Hungry Betty

2012 - The year of RECKONING (or something)

2012-01-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

Hello, sorely neglected food blog. Have you missed me?

I'VE MISSED YOU!!!

And this morning, my scale told me it missed you.

Actually it said:

"SERIOUSLY? YOU WERE DOWN TO YOUR LOWEST WEIGHT IN NEARLY 20 YEARS...JUST A YEAR AGO. AND NOT JUST THE LOWEST WEIGHT, YOU WERE IN FANTASTIC SHAPE!!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO, EAT THE ENTIRETY OF THE FOOD SUPPLY IN WASHINGTON? DID YOU? DID YOU????"

Ok maybe it wasn't my scale saying that.

MAYBE...it was me.

So I learned something today (and by "learn something" I mean reminded myself of something that I already knew):

YOU CAN'T STOP EXERCISING AND TURN INTO A GIANT WHALE SHARK, EATING EVERY THING IN YOUR PATH, WITHOUT PUTTING YOUR HEALTH IN DANGER.

I can't?

What a freakin bummer.

It's true, guys. You can get in the best shape of your life - and you can undo it all in a year. Or less! IF YOU'RE DILIGENT ENOUGH!

Oh, and OH, WAS I DILIGENT!

I knew this, already. Obviously. And I've watched "Biggest Loser: Where Are They Now?" shows that occasionally show the ones that did exactly what I did. And I'm so sad for them.

I'm not sad for me, I'm annoyed with me.

Sure...I've had a stressful year. I've moved, had some personal life changes, etc. And to be FAIR, I did have some health issues and injuries at the end of this last year that put my triumphant return to healthytown on hold.

Although, let's be real. Those were drops in the proverbial bucket of FAIL.

Being a meth...er...food addict sucks. It really does. The one thing I DID stay on top of is staying pretty active - for the most part - this last year. I never did go fully back to slug-form.

But you can't eat 5,000 calories a day unless you're Michael Phelps. YA JUST CAN'T.

WHY WOULD I THINK THIS WAS EVER A GOOD IDEA?

So...I'm back on Weight Watchers. I need the accountability I had when I was going to Fierce Fitness, this fabulous kick boxing fitness gym in Portland, OR, that was my PLACE OF WORSHIP the last few months I lived in Portland. It was amazing, I logged my food every day, they kicked my ass every day, and I got in shape.

Unfortunately they're not in Bellingham, WA (i.e. damn near Canada). And when I moved up here, I was all sadfaced and missing them...and proceeded to do nothing about it for entirely too long.

But there are other gyms, and there IS Weight Watchers.

And I DO miss how I felt last year. A FREAKIN' LOT.

So I'm back to Weight Watchers. I'm back to lean proteins and vegetables with the occasional healthy starch. And the occasional treat...and treating them as such. You do not fuel your machine...with TREATS. Every day is not a goddamn special occasion. As much as I like to tell myself it is, it's not. At least not where "special occasion food" is concerned. Piggy.

I'm back to treating my body like the machine it has shown me it can become - seriously man, kick boxing has been an eye opener for me, and getting through the Warrior Dash last year without dying was INCREDIBLE.

I want all that. And more. MORE MORE MORE.

I'm greedy about feeling better. Sue me.

Stay tuned for more sarcasm laced B.S. and the occasional amazing recipe.

.

And this is why I'll always be a chubby bitch. LOL

2009-01-30T19:28:00.000-08:00

Geezus...

This IS a gripe...it almost doesn't seem like it should be a gripe, but it is.

I try to watch my weight. I try!

I'm a huge food addict. I only realized in the last year that, while I've sat and wondered why my siblings are all druggies and alcoholics, how I escaped a life of that.

Well I didn't.

I'm addicted MASSIVELY ADDICTED to food.

And fucking strangers, but that's neither here nor there.

Ok not really.

Ok not really not really.

Hi.

ANYWAY

(Sorry for typing like a bard)

Food is my meth. I have issues with it. Unhealthy fucked up issues, and now that I really really know that, fine. FINE.

So I try to either avoid places that I know I'll overeat (like home...stay away from home for fuckssakes!) or I go in WITH A PLAN.

A PLAN, BY GOLLY!

But I swear to christ, it's like there are little nazi devils at every turn trying to fuck with me even when I TRY HARD TO BE GOOD.

I TRY SO HARD TO BE GOOD.

For instance!

I go to Jamba Juice and order my meth smoothie (i.e. the Peanut Butter Moo'd that is approximately 43.9 billion calories per drink).

I KNOW it's bad (fuck you, Gwen, for turning me onto those. lol), I know it is.

I'm allowed a bad thing once in a while. Dammit. A small bad thing.

Like EVERY OTHER FOOD ITEM IN THE WORLD, I will eat to the point where I'm sick - unless I breathe in / breathe out and order a specific size and ONLY that.

So I go into a Jamba Juice, AND I SWEAR TO GOD, 3 OUT OF THE LAST 5 TIMES, I'VE ORDERED A SMALL - AND THEY'VE GIVEN ME THE 'POWER SIZE'.

THE FUCKING POWER SIZE.

"Um, I ordered a small..." "Yup, I ordered a small and only paid for a small"

"Oh...woops? Ok, well no worries!"

FUCK!

Of course the REASONABLE PERSON would say for them to put it into a small cup and pitch the rest.

BUT IF AN ADDICT GOES TO BUY A BUMP OF COKE AND THEY GIVE HER A GLAD BAG FULL OF IT AND SAY, HEY, NO WORRIES, DOES SHE SAY, NO GET RID OF THE FUCKING COKE?

NO SHE DOES NOT.

BECAUSE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

(Yes, I'm losing it, fuck off)

So I can't go to Jamba Juice anymore. Unless I don't have money and someone else is with me and orders for me.

Yes that's pathetic.

Suck it.

MOST RECENT EXAMPLE OF FAIL:

I order lunch from this nice little deli in the biz park where I work. They have homemade bread, fresh baked lunch meats, organic stuff, fresh baked cookies - which I will order ONE of once a week.

I glance at the sammich menu, and I eyeball this sandwich I have never seen before on there, and it has on it: Alfalfa Sprouts, Herb, Mayonnaise, Stone Ground Mustard, Roasted Turkey Breast, Swiss, Green Leaf Lettuce, Tomato, Red Onion, Cucumber, Dill Pickle, Avocado, Italian Vinaigrette, Ranch Dressing, Black Pepper. and and and...just huge. It's called "The Chairman".

Geezus, Mayo, Ranch AND vinaigrette...and avocado.

Nah, that sounds a little much, I think I'm going to make dinner tonight and would rather hold back a bit on lunch.

So I order a Vegetarian Sandwich, which is on some italian foccacia bread and it has mozzerella, marinated tomatoes, organic spinach, stone ground mustard, and pesto.

Simple enough. Sounds tasty.

And one cookie. Yay, it's cookie day.

I order one vegetarian sammich, one cookie, and one Fuze Cranberry Rasberry drink, and I go sit down, watch the hippies bake bread, and wait.

They call my name, and I glance in my bag - no cookie.

Dang, yup, I paid for my cookie, "Hey...yeah, I didn't get my cookie."

"Oh sorry!" the bad man says, "Here, let me give you two - shhh don't tell they're right out of the oven and all warm still."

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

"But..but...ok thank you."

/small hyperventilate

Fuck.

Ok fine.

I'll save one for later! (/dies laughing)

So I walk across the parking lots, cross the street, go up to my desk, and I open the bag and pull out my sandwich.

Damn that's a heavy sandwich for a vegetar....

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

This is not my sandwich....

I open it up....

IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKIN CHAIRMAN! WHAT IN BLUE HELL??

I check my receipt to see if I went into some kind of sandwhichgasm trance and actually ORDERED the fuckin thing, but no! My receipt says VEGETARIAN SANDWICH.

Motherfucker!

So I eat the fuckin thing. Because hi, IT'S IN FRONT OF ME AND I'M LIKE A RETARDED GOLDFISH THAT WILL KEEP EATING THE FISH FOOD FLAKES TIL I EXPLODE IN MY BOWL, AND FURTHERMORE, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO WALK ACROSS THE PARKING LOT TO HAVE THEM MAKE THE RIGHT SAMMICH...and it's damn tasty.

And I just ate both cookies. Suck it.

You know, a normal person can manage a healthy diet and still leave the house. They can go somewhere and order one thing AND GET ONE THING.

Most people get fucked over and don't even GET all the items they paid for.

But not me, ohhh no. I GET EVERYONE IN THE WORLD'S FOOD TIMES TWO. WITH EXTRA MAYO.

AND COOKIES.

It's really fucking nice to know my fat ass has such powerful thoughts.

Why can't it wish for a winning lottery ticket? Fuckin A!

/meltdown *off*

I'm packing lunch for the rest of the week. LOL

Geez, just answer the question!!

2008-08-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, so when I'm on track, I become kind of a nazi when it comes to knowing what is in the food I eat.

And if I go out to eat, I fucking expect the people in there to know what is put into my food.

SO I go to this place, B.J.'s pizza and brewery and I order a Caesar salad.

I get home and I think, ya know what, I wonder if that dressing had sugar in it. REAL Caesar salad dressing shouldn't, but they use some bottled stuff - and it was DAMN good for bottled, but yeah, you never know. A lot of bottled dressings have sugar.

So I sent an email to their "Contact Us" email, and I ask, "Hey, a girlfriend of mine with gestational diabetes and I enjoy dining at your restaurant for lunch and I was wondering if you could tell me if your Caesar salad dressing contains sugar? I'm watching my sugar intake and my friend can't consume sugar due to her pregnancy related diabetes."

This gal responds back with a semi canned but semi not response saying that they don't have all of their nutrition information compiled for the public blah blah blah with their ever changing menu blah blah blah...

So I write back with, "So you cant tell me whether there is or isn't sugar in the Caesar salad dressing?"

To which she replies that no, there isn't any sugar, but she thinks there's corn syrup.

Hi, that's sugar.

Sneaky bitch.

Fine. Whatever.

So last night, Bryan and I go to Red Lobster - which I actually pretty heavily despise, but I figure I can get some crab legs or something.

I see the shrimp and lobster stuffed mushrooms on the menu.

The item description on the menu SAYS it's "Crab, shrimp, and cheese", so I ask the waiter if there is any bread or wheat products in the stuffing.

He's not sure so he goes to ask and comes back and says no. So I'm like, that's killer, let's order some.

I am eating these fuckers and...um..yeah...pretty sure there's some sort of bread crumb in there holding them together. The texture just says there is to me.

Chock full of bready goodness

So I get home and I try to find the nutrition facts online to no avail ...thought I did find some non-Red Lobster site that had nutrition facts that said it had no carbs, which means no possibility of bread - but then I saw that it said breaded clam strips had no carbs either. Right. Fuckers.

I write an email to Red Lobster asking if there is any bread or cracker product in the mushrooms, as I had dined there the night before and ordered them - and that I had asked the waiter BEFOREHAND - and he said no, but he seemed uncertain to me.

So they send this fucking email to me:

August 26, 2008

Dear Mrs. Myers,

We appreciate your inquiry regarding the availability of gluten-free items on our menu. Because your health is so important to us, we cannot guarantee anything on our menus to be free of gluten.

Red Lobster's kitchens are not allergen-free environments and neither are those of our suppliers. In addition, all of our fried food selections are prepared in shared fryers and our grills are shared cooking surfaces. Because of these processes, we cannot guarantee that seemingly gluten-free items have not come into contact with gluten.

To minimize potential contact with gluten-containing items you may wish to consider ordering steamed crab legs or steamed Maine lobster, broiled fish or chicken with no seasonings or marinades and steamed vegetables with no seasonings.

Please speak with the manager and your server prior to ordering to alert them of your specific dietary restrictions.

Sincerely,

Shari
Guest Relations Representative

MOTHERFUCKERS!! DON'T SEND ME YOUR CANNED GLUTEN FREE SPIEL. I DON'T NEED A FUCKING GUARANTEE THAT MY FUCKING MUSHROOMS DIDN'T COME INTO CONTACT WITH GLUTEN OR THAT YOUR KITCHEN IS ALLERGY FREE. I DIDN'T ORDER A FRIED ITEM, AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO GIVE ME HELPFUL GLUTEN FREE HINTS. AND I DID FUCKING ASK THE SERVER PRIOR TO ORDERING TO ALERT THEM OF MY FUCKING DIETARY RESTRICTIONS - MEANING I LIKE TO FUCKING KNOW WHAT I PUT IN MY MOUTH WHEN I GO TO A RESTAURANT.

God.

So instead of typing all that, I just hit reply and said "Thanks for the canned response. You didn't answer my question."

Dicks.

ONE MONTH LATER EDIT:

I just realized those fark faces called me MRS. Myers.

I am not my mother, nor am I married, you presumptuous twits!!! LOL

10 lbs down...

2008-08-18T21:41:00.001-07:00

So that seemed easy enough.

I've lost 10 lbs since we last chatted.

How?

I temporarily nuked bread, pasta, and sugar from my life.

No, I didn't go on Atkins or anything ghey like that.

I just cut out the shit and have been hoovering down meat (hehe...meat), veggies, and other good for me stuff like it's going out of style.

And I'm rewarding myself with the occasional "no sugar added" ice cream treat.

Sex

Goddamn that's good stuff. The Lucerne (Safeway Brand) chocolate fudge bars are delightful.

And I had a total cheat afternoon.

Not an all day binge fest, just a slightly off limit lunch of seafood chowder in Half Moon Bay followed by a tasty Dairy Queen goody.

Then right back on track that night and into the next day.

Oh, and then there's the walking.

I've been walking several times a week, at least 2 miles, sometimes more (I sorta took more of a break from that than I should have, but goddamn it, I started a new job and I was tired! lol).

This isn't rocket science.

It's moderation coupled with a reasonable amount of activity.

HOW REVOLUTIONARY.

Not revolutionary

We'll see how this goes.

10 lbs down....."more" to go. Heh.

Miss me? I did.

2008-08-05T16:26:00.001-07:00

I am a silly bitch. I know this.

I started this fatnastic...ok that was a typo, but I had to keep it...FANTASTIC blog to keep me in check as well as post fantastic yummy recipes for YOU.

But where have I been?

I'll tell you where I've been...the same place I've been over the course of the last several posts before I vanished in...wow, it's been since May:

IN THE LAND OF BEING BAD AND SHOVELING SHIT DOWN MY THROAT.

Not literally. That would be...weird, though I'm sure there's a website dedicated to just that.

No, until a few days ago, I was up 25 lbs give or take since my lowest in a LONG time in February.

Can I just tell you how fucking irritating that is?

Of course I can!

I've said in some earlier postings over the past couple months that I'm back on the wagon.

But that fuckin wagon was missing a wheel and carried by donut eating bastard donkeys that lured me right back into poor choices.

I set that fail wagon on fire. Seriously, fuck that wagon.

Stupid ass motherfuckin fail donkey

I've decided to add a boat load of exercise into my routine.

I WAS going to join a gym. I used to think that, by joining a gym, the financial commitment would obligate me to go.

Then I found out that I don't care when I throw money away.

So, instead, I decided to sign up to walk a half marathon in October and a full marathon in December.

That's right, you heard me. I've committed to 13 miles in October and 26 miles in December, raising funds along the way to benefit those who suffer from Leukemia, Lymphoma and other blood cancers.

Check out my happy little fundraising page.

In committing to this, I've joined Team In Training, a fantastic organization that is there to help motivate me and my teammates into getting in prime condition to make it across the finish line without my feet falling off or having a heart attack.

So check my page now and then for updates if you are interested in seeing a little chubby girl whip her ass into shape in the name of helping people out who get dealt a shitty hand of cancer and bullshit. I lost my dad to cancer, an uncle to a blood cancer that this organization is fighting, and I've fought it myself (thankfully catching it super early) a few times now - my friend Lora says I should be a gardener because I'm good at growing things. She's kind of a bitch.

I've been walking 3 miles a day (damn, that 13 sounded a lot easier before I walked 3 miles...ok, to be fair, 3.2 miles the other day for the first time) on my own, and then on Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings (ugh, mornings), I'll be with "my team" walking even more and doing strength and stretching exercises - and generally getting fired up for the big race (wait...is it a race when you're walking??).

I'm down 3 lbs since starting this last weekend.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. Whether you want me to or not.

Oh, and since I've been TOTALLY remiss in my recipe duties, here's a simple one:

Spaghetti Sauce That Doesn't Suck

2lb ground turkey
1 large sweet yellow onion, chopped
5 cloves of garlic (chopped small, not minced though)
1 big red bell pepper, chopped.
1 big can (not costco sized, just the big ones at the grocery store) of Tomato Sauce
1 small can (smallest size they have) of tomato paste
2 T Oregano
2 T Basil
1 T Thyme
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1 half tsp crushed red pepper flakes (optional...I like fire)

Brown your ground meat.
Add onions and garlic and sautee til onions are cooked up a little - maybe add your onions first and then the garlic so you don't burn the garlic (I hate burnt garlic)

Add the tomato sauce and paste.

Add red bell pepper and all the rest of the ingredients, mix well, and simmer for about 30 minutes or so.

It's done when you taste it and go, "Oh hey, this tastes done!".

I like this on top of...well, anything, but it's great on whole wheat pasta as well as grilled chicken.

And your mom.

Back in the saddle again...

2008-05-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

So, if you view my other blog, you'll know that I had a great weekend this last weekend. Lots of going out and eating my body weight in food that I shouldn't.

And at the end of that weekend, today, in fact, I decided that since I feel like I've gained even more weight, that I'd get on the scale.

My scale is an asshole.

Yeah.

Screw that noise.

I'm back on Weight Watchers. I don't know why I go off track.

Ok, yes I do, it's because I'm a food addict, we've discussed this.

But I'm officially back at the weight I was in January. AND THAT IS LAME.

So after this morning's lovely Quaker Simple Harvest Vanilla Almond Oatmeal (which I LOVE for an instant oatmeal) with a tsp of flax seed (healthy fats! healthy fats!) and a banana for breakfast....and the sushi I plan on having for lunch since these people at work insist on taking me out for my birthday (I ducked them yesterday! ha HA!), THIS is what I'll be eating for dinner tonight:

Cabo Chicken Breasts

Marinade:

Juice from 5 limes
1/4 olive oil
5 cloves of fresh garlic, minced
1 tsp Cumin
1 tsp red pepper flakes

Toss chicken breasts in a zip lock baggie - I'm probably going to toss 3 in there since there are 3 of us, and if I like the damn chicken, I'll eat more if there is more because I'm foolish like that.

Mix the above ingredients together until well blended (I'll probably toss in a blender) and then pour over your chicken breasts, goodge it all around in the bag, and then seal it well.

Let it marinate for a few hours.

Toss on the BBQ.

This could totally be the chicken I'm making.

Then eat it.

SIMPLE, EH?

And good for you. If you eat one piece of chicken and not 15.

I'll probably top it with some salsa - if I get home from work in time, I may actually MAKE some salsa! How do you like that??

Serve chicken with a nice green salad with a drizzle of balsamic vinaigrette.

Or a mean green salad, I really don't care, but I'm going for the nice one.

Oh, ok so not Miss February...

2008-05-17T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm the cover girl!

I feel very fancy.

Oh, and let me know if you want to purchase a calendar. The women on the INSIDE are hot as hell.

On fire even.

Spicy Garlic Salmon and Cheesecake

2008-05-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

So I've been on and off and on and off this 'eating like a human being' kick. I had grand plans to be REALLY really good, but I have, as I figured, fallen prey to pizza monsters and ice cream goblins. Really, since my last post, only one...ok maybe 2 days have been moderately unsuccessful. But I've been mostly on track.

Good lord, though...it's been HOW long since I posted last?

So yeah.

I tried out a new recipe tonight, and it went over tremendously. And it's mostly healthy. Except for the fat. But I read that if you don't have enough fat in your diet, your sex drive disappears, so try this recipe:

I'm a sexy main course. Yup.

Spicy Garlicky Salmon

3 cloves garlic, minced

1 tsp cayenne pepper (or more if you like things zippy!)

1 1/2 tsp olive oil

1 tsp whole grain mustard (please don't use that bright yellow shit)

1/2 tsp Kosher salt (or use table salt, but I don't...Alton Brown shamed me out of it)

2 T fresh lime juice

1/4 tsp fresh ground pepper

3 salmon fillets

Preheat Oven to 400 degrees.

Line a baking dish with aluminum foil, then brush the foil with a light sheen of olive oil (we hate when the fish sticks, yes we do).

Mix the garlic, pepper, and olive oil together thoroughly - use a mortar and pestle if you have it, but if not, just be thorough - then add the mustard, lime, salt, and pepper and mix well.

Place the salmon fillets in the baking dish and coat top of the salmon (that you've placed skin down, please) with the olive oil mixture.

Bake salmon 25 minutes or until fish is easily flaked with a fork.

Garlic Lemon Mayo Sauce
Ingredients - exactly what it sounds like the ingredients would be.

I used about 1/4 of mayo (use light or fat free if you must, but I used full fat mayo, alright??), 2 cloves of garlic, minced, and about 1 T of lemon juice. Mix well and let sit a bit so the flavors mix together.

Once fish is done, spoon a small amount onto the fillet of salmon. It's a nice little garnish.

I served this with steamed asparagus that I lightly buttered and sprinkled with kosher salt.

IT WAS FANTASTIC.

FANTASTIC, I TELL YOU.

Oh yeah, and the title says Cheesecake.

This is a little misleading, but tomorrow, I am posing for a pin up calendar, which will be a fundraiser - for a good cause of which I cannot remember. Haha.

I am going to be Miss February.

This candy probably sucks.

I also hoping that they won't need a wide angle lens.

Wish me (and the photographer...and photoshop) luck!!

The last 24 hours...

2008-04-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

So the last 24 hours or so have been interesting.

You know that part in the heading where I mock 'wrapping a steak around a cube of butter'?

I actually got to the point where I was going to consider going that route again.

Because I wanted butter. And a lot of it. And red meat.

But I need to get back on track.

ESPECIALLY after this trip to Vegas last week...HOO BOY!!!!

Sure, I drank my weight in Stoli, but when I remembered to, I also stuffed my face.

Shit, I was on vacation! WHO DIETS ON VACATION?

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, right?

The land of sex, sin, and 24 hour access to the feedbag.

Ok, yeah, not so much. Calories like frequent flyer miles, too, so they joined me via my fat cells on a plane back to San Jose and said, "Gee, mom, can we stay with you? Pretty please? I LOVE IT HERE ON YOUR BELLY!"

And who doesn't, really.

So after coming home and diving into 3 days of hellish regional meetings, team building activities, etc - ALL CATERED (read: excuses 1,2,3,4, and 5...oh and 6), I'm ready to 'be good again'.

Haven't I been saying that now since last month? Or so?

Yeah, well I REALLY REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME.

So last night at the grocery store, as I was going up and down the aisles, I toyed with, decided on, and dismissed....lather, rinse, repeat...both getting back on the Weight Watchers approach to things (i.e. not eating like a fucking retard), or going the lame ass route of ALL CHEESE, ALL MEAT, ALL BUTTER, ALL THE TIME (i.e. Artery Clogging Cop Out Atkins).

So I ended up with 2 different kinds of ice cream and a thing of biscuits.

Made sense to me!

Today was a new day!

I skipped breakfast (not on purpose, but still just as stupid) and had a lunch of "Bistro Steak Salad" at Giorgio's Italian Restaurant: Lettuce, sliced rib eye, blue cheese dressing, blue cheese crumbles, red onion, and crappy tomatoes that I would be ignoring (I hate tomatoes unless they're right out of a garden). So hey, I guess that meant I was doing the Atkins thing today!

Til I got home and had the meth in the fridge.

Er, sorry, the bacon mac & cheese from the Kincaid's Steakhouse dinner the other night.

So as I sit here digesting my mac & cheese 'snack', my ravioli from dinner, and my massive ton of ice cream, I think to myself....

Self?

TUESDAY, APRIL 22nd, I am starting to eat like a good girl once again!

If I fall down off the wagon, I will pick myself back up right away instead of saying "fuck it!" and going on a binge.

Now, I'm going to go work on making myself believe my bullshit.

WISH ME LUCK!

Green Tea Crack

2008-03-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am not one for 'diet supplements'. And by diet supplements, I mean the random diet pills that hit the market like Hydroxy Cut or Trim Spa (ANNA!)...you know, the shit that comes out on the market and then, a few months later, you see all the articles debunking their claims that they actually work worth a damn.

But (yeah, but) the other day I was at the grocery store, and near the vitamins, this package of Green Tea supplements jumped out at me.

You know, how things are prone to doing.

FWEEEEEE!!!

So yeah, I read the box, and ya know, I keep reading how great green tea is for you, and quite frankly, I think that green tea tastes like liquid hay.

So I figure, why not. I reap the benefits of green tea without feeling like Mr. Ed having a cocktail.

"With 200mg of EGCG, clinically shown to help you lose weight*"

Asterisk? Hmm...where's the disclaimer for that asterisk.

Oh there it is, it's on the back of the package.

"These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease."

Ok, fair enough. I wasn't going to try to cure my cancersyphilisringwormlice with it.

So I get the shit home, and this morning, I pop 2 capsules (it says take 1-2 in the morning and in the afternoon with a full glass of water).

Then I see it says, "Do not take this product in the evening since it contains natural caffeine.

Hmm...ok whatever.

So I'm at work, and I am chatting with a friend of mine, and he makes the mistake of asking me a question about my favorite band in the whole wide world, Journey.

About 15 minutes later, I realize I have just typed, at epic speed, a GIANT WALL OF TEXT about the history of Journey, the personnel changes, who these changes were, who they replaced, at what point in Journey's span it was, what album each change coincided with, where each new singer was found and why, and how they reacted when they were brought onto the band and where they went after the fact and the different styles of song writing by each member of the band and...and...

Ok this tells me two things:

A.) I know way too much about Journey (which I will not apologize for), and

B.) I am high as a fucking kite on Green Tea Crack

Seriously, I just spewed forth a fucking Barnes & Noble in record time - in response to a simple question about a Journey song, of which I can't remember now.

I spent the remainder of the morning typing like a fiend, this thing, or that thing, and I'm not so sure I remembered to blink during that time.

So I spent a little more time reading the package (yes, after I ingested the magic green capsules) to see what else was in these things, and really...nothing TOO scary...

Green Tea Extract

EGCG, which is found in Green Tea, so I don't know if they add EGCG along WITH the Green Tea Extract, but they really want you to know it's in there. For reals.

Chromium Picolinate - which claims it's necessary for carbohydrate metabolism...ok whatever.

Xenedrol - "Natural blend of 8 powerful botanicals (that means it's natural and GOOD!) and a nutrient that can support the body during a weight management program"....which really, this sounds like a load of shit meant to distract me, but alright, fine.

So yeah, I don't know if this shit does anything good for me, but I'm gonna take it til it's gone and see if I can finish some long overdue writing projects I've been meaning to work on.

I'll keep you posted.

Pie > Dress that fits

2008-03-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

So I got on the scale today, because I'm brave like that.

Fine, I'm up 9 lbs. 8.5 really, but yeah. 9.

Less than 10.

That means it's ok if I make a pie!

Though, I'm going shopping tomorrow for a trip I'm making to Las Vegas in a couple weeks for VIVA LAS VEGAS 11! WOO!!!

...and I'm dreading trying shit on.

I love new clothes, but I hate shopping, and I hate trying shit on.

MOSTLY because everything is made for small Asian breasts, of which I do not have.

I know, boo hoo, but seriously, it makes it very frustrating to try shit on because 3/4 of the time, it just doesn't work out, even when it fits everywhere else.

And it doesn't help that the rest of me is a little portly.

So I decided to do the most logical thing.

Make a full on turkey dinner AND a lemon meringue pie!!!

For those of you who don't already know, I am in deep deep fucking love with turkey dinner. I mean it's borderline nuts how much I enjoy a good turkey dinner. It's an unholy impure love.

Meth Poultry

Turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, dinner rolls...the whole shebang.

And the overpriced little yuppy mart down the road had these 8 lbs turkeys on sale. So I had to get one!

Besides, it was time to christen the stove in the new house.

The turkey turned out great - mostly because I own at making turkey dinners. Seriously, I can outcook anyone at Thanksgiving, I'm not afraid to say it, it's just true. I rule at turkey.

This pie, however, is the first meringue pie that I've made and thought, hey...that's a damn fine looking pie!

Damn Fine Looking Pie

So here's the recipe if you're interested.

And by recipes, I mean components, because I bought the crust and the filling pre-made.

Lemon Meringue Pie

1 frozen pastry crust, baked as indicated on package.

1 12oz Jar of "Grandmother's" brand lemon filling, which I spooned into the crust once it cooled.

Meringue - WHICH I DID make from scratch, so here's that recipe:

4 large egg whites
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/2 cup sugar

In a metal bowl (yes metal, they work better, I used my kitchen aid mixer) with an electric mixer, beat egg whites with cream of tartar until they hold soft peaks. Beat in sugar in a slow stream, beating until meringue just holds stiff peaks.

Pour this white fluffy mix onto your lemon filling completely, sealing it to pastry. Draw meringue up into peaks and bake pie in middle of oven at 375 degrees until meringue is golden, about 15 minutes.

Shameless pic of my shameless cat, Manis

Oh shocker! WOW! (sarcasm)

2008-03-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

So I sign out of Yahoo mail, and when I do, it takes me to the Yahoo main page where there is the occasional article that catches my eye.

Tonight, it was "Beware these bad-news snacks "

So I click on it, thinking...Hey...yay, I might learn something. I've been trying to be a sponge for all that is healthy and nondeathlike for me. Cuz that's how I roll. And stuff.

Uh...

Wow...I'm sorry, but if the Hershey's Shell (or the Lunchables for that matter) is a shock to anyone...I'd like to know which GIANT ROCK people have been living under.

We've been hearing about how Lunchables are basically a handy pack of fat and sodium for YEARS now. Haven't we? If nothing else, read the labels...

But HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE SHELL FOR ICE CREAM?

Not a salad - don't be fooled.

Really?

This is a SHOCKER according to this woman?

THE LIQUID CHOCOLATE IN A BOTTLE FOR MY ICE CREAM IS BAD?

Ok, I could also mention the granola, too - we've been warned about that, now, for nearly as long as the Lunchables.

I had to comment on that bad boy.

Yes, I'm a bitch.

I'm ok with that.

But seriously, this chick's blog has GOT to be aimed at the illiterate or people who have recently woken from a coma.

OMG! A recipe! (Pad Thai)

2008-03-27T17:50:00.000-07:00

So today, I posted a nice blog on my Myspace with my Top Ten favorite spam subject lines of the day.

And I was promptly scolded for wasting time doing THAT silly shit when I COULD BE ON THIS BLOG POSTING RECIPES!

Yes, daddy.

Quite frankly, I've been shying away from this blog like I used to shy away from this one boyfriend in the 7th grade after I started 'going with' a friend of mine's neighbor...I think it's the guilt.

I've been LESS THAN horribly 'on track' with my diet and nutrition.

Last time we checked in, I was up 7 lbs.

Well, I'm guessing it's still 7....7-9.

I refuse to say 10. I'm pretty sure it's not 10.

My clothes all fit still.

I'm actually doing much better.

The earth shattering earth quake of my appetite seems to have subsided, and I've only been hit with aftershocks since then....they are a nuisance, but not TOO damaging.

I could lie and say I'm going to make a fantastic healthy meal at home tonight.

But I'm going to The Outback tonight. Gonna have some nice white fish and some nice veggies and some nice other nice stuff. It's going to be super.

But I really do need to share this recipe for Pad Thai that I found (and tweaked) with you. It's fucking fantastic, and if you go don't go overboard with it, it's really quite reasonably decent for you.

PLUS: You can trick people who don't think they like tofu with it! It just blends right in! Like a fuckin NINJA.

Actual Ninja

I'll probably make it tomorrow. Ok yeah. Definitely making it tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

My recommendation is to get every single ingredient prepared and measured out and all sitting there 'on deck' to use. It went very smoothly - don't think it would have if I was trying to chop as I went along.

One of my lazy ass friends asked me, hey, why do you have to do that? I mean, why cook it all separately? That's lame.

The answer is simple: BECAUSE YOU DO. God. If you want it to taste like shit and all one big mass of static, fine. Cop out. It'll still taste "okay".

But if you want to showcase each flavor, follow the damn recipe. It's worth it.

Pic shamelessly stolen from someone else's blog cuz I haven't taken a picture of my own pad thai yet.

Pad Thai

Servings: 6

INGREDIENTS:

6-3/4 cups water, divided
1/2 pound uncooked rice sticks (rice-flour noodles)
2 tablespoons oil, divided
1/4 cup low-sodium soy sauce
1/4 cup Thai fish sauce
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 large eggs, lightly beaten
3/4 pound skinned, boned chicken breast, cut into 1-inch strips
8 ounces extra-firm tofu, drained and cut into 1/2-inch cubes
2 garlic cloves, minced
1/2 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
1 tsp (+ or -) red pepper flake*
1/2 cup sliced green onions
2 teaspoons paprika
2 cups fresh bean sprouts
1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro
2 tablespoons chopped peanuts
6 lime wedges

INSTRUCTIONS:
Place 6 cups water in a stir-fry pan or wok; bring to a boil. Add noodles; cook 4 minutes. Drain and rinse with cold water; drain well. Place cooked noodles in a large bowl. Add 1 teaspoon oil; toss well. Set aside.

Combine 3/4 cup water, soy sauce, fish sauce, and brown sugar; set aside.

Heat 1 teaspoon oil in a stir-fry pan or wok over medium heat. Add eggs; stir-fry 1 minute. Add eggs to noodle mixture.

Heat 1 teaspoon oil in pan over medium-high heat. Add chicken and garlic; stir-fry 5 minutes. Add to noodle mixture.

Heat 1 tablespoon oil in pan. Add shrimp, onions, red pepper flake, and paprika; stir-fry 3 minutes.

Add the soy sauce mixture and noodle mixture to pan; cook 2 minutes or until thoroughly heated. Add the tofu and cook one additional minute.

Remove from heat; toss with sprouts and cilantro. Sprinkle with peanuts. Serve with lime wedges.

NUTRITIONAL INFO:
calories: 347 carbohydrates: 41.6 g cholesterol: fat: 9.3 g sodium: 1364 mg protein: 24.5 g calcium: 57 mg iron: 2.6 mg fiber: 1.2 g

YIELD:
About 6 servings (serving size: 1 1/3 cups noodle mixture, 2 teaspoons cilantro, about 1 teaspoon peanuts, and 1 lime wedge)

*I actually added this ingredient because I like a little fire to my food....this was enough to add an occasional zip...I'll probably use a little more next time.

EDIT: I had the steak. AND a "Wallaby Darned". Sue me. It was tasty.

Alright...

2008-03-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

It's like this.

I've been in full on fucking food relapse for a month. A MONTH.

I got on the scale, and I'm still "only" up 7lbs or so. I'm thinking 7 from what it said yesterday. The "or so" is because I've not exactly been well behaved the last few days, and I refuse to get on the scale the rest of the week. It's just not going to do anyone any good.

It's truly amazing what an odd compulsion food addiction is. It's almost like I'm being steered around by my gut. I'd say mouth, but really, what comments would that illicit?

Exactly.

The last 2 days have been ok though.

To start that is.

Go to work, eat oatmeal, eat a decent lunch (sushi 2 days running).

Get home.

BAM, GIANT WHALE SHARK!

WHAT CAN I FIND THAT I CAN PUT BUTTER ON???

YAY POTATOES! MAAASHED POTATOES!

Oh hay...there's still some bread left. BREAD!

What in blue hell...it's like I'm unconsciously motivated to eat the absolute worst thing I can when I'm in this mode.

"HEY, I could eat THIS...but THIS WILL DO SO MUCH MORE DAMAGE!"

"I COULD HAVE THIS BEER....BUT FUCKIN A, GIMME THE FUCKIN COCAAAAINE!"

Seriously.

Tonight, wanna know what it was?

Do ya?

It was THIS:

Yes really!!!!

I heard about it, then I ran into it in my new favorite overpriced silicon valley supermarket.

It was destiny!!!!

And really, look at the canister.

It's ORGANIC!

Organic means it's good for you, right?

RIGHT?

Actually, in it's purest form, they AREN'T terrible for you.

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1/4 cup Batter (57g/2oz)
Servings Per Container: 9
Makes approx. 28 - 4" pancakes

Amount Per Serving
Calories 112: Calories from Fat 11
% Daily Values*
Total Fat 0.5g 0%
Saturated Fat 0g 0%
Trans Fat 0g
Cholesterol 10mg 3%
Sodium 95mg 4%
Total Carbohydrate 23g 5%
Dietary Fiber 2g 9%
Sugars 7g
Protein 3g
Vitamin A 0%
Vitamin C 0%
Calcium 0%
Iron 6%

But HEY, GUESS WHO LIKES HER PANCAKES WITH ABOUT A CUBE OF BUTTER ON THEM?

No, really, go on. Guess.

THAT'S RIGHT, ME!!!!

Seriously, I even thought, yeah, I'll make these pancakes and put some applesauce on them. Or some yogurt.

But when they were done, I was on autopilot, grabbing the butter and more butter, and putting a nice over easy egg next to them. Ok 2 eggs.

It was when I was halfway through that I thought WTF AM I DOING?

It's like when you're drunk, you end up in bed with a butt ugly thundercow, and you sober up halfway through and wonder how you got yourself in THIS situation.

It's not like you can (or will) get up and walk away in the middle of it.

NO, you're gonna be a trooper, finish it off, and then go home feeling bad about yourself.

Same thing with the buttery eggyolky pancakes.

Very similar.

So yeah, I started off today right and now I'm going to bed reeking of shame, bad judgment, and flapjacks.

Tomorrow's another day.

WISH ME LUCK!

Stagnation nation what's your .....wait, what?

2008-03-12T00:24:00.001-07:00

It's day 'insert big number here' of not being very 'health conscious'.

Sunshine and optimism can suck my left ovary.

I've eaten enough to keep a small nation alive.

Only they're all dead now because I ate their food.

Cha cha cha...

I've gained about 6 lbs back.

It could be worse.

It could get worse.

I don't care right now.

I'll care next week.

Crash...burn.

2008-02-20T00:51:00.000-08:00

BOOM!!!!

Did ya hear that?

That's the sound of my fat ass falling off the wagon.

I'm going to point my guilt finger at everyone around me while blaming my circumstances - because that's what addicts do.

I was filming a sketch comedy thing this last weekend - the beer was in front of me and I had to drink it, and I sure as fuck had to accept lunch being purchased for me. I couldn't be rude.

Wait..no, it started on Valentine's Day. Well, Valentine's dinner at a nice restaurant doesn't count, does it? That's a special occasion.

I mean it was really good.

Wait...did the bag of Lindor Truffles that I demolished earlier that same day count?

I mean it was just that one time. If you eat them all at once it makes less of an impact than if you save them and eat them over the week, right?

Denial excuse rationalization blah blah blah...and so on.

I got on the scale on Monday.

Fuck.

And this was the result when I checked in with my keeper on Weight Watchers:

The face of no sympathy

Yep. I gained a couple pounds alright, and, for my efforts, got the "Hey, Fat Ass, stop eating like a fucktard!" face.

Did I stop my reign of terror upon all nearby food immediately in my portly tracks right then and there?

No, I've been a giant whale shark, swimming through the ocean of my world with my big gaping chow hole spread open and ready for any food in my path to be sucked in.

The Face of Fucking Fail

I feel like crap, as you can probably tell.

I'm sure tomorrow will be a new day filled with sunshine and optimism.

Tonight, I'm wallowing.

Now pardon me while I roll my fat ass into my bedroom and beach myself.

*tapdancing*

I was bad...what else is new?

2008-02-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

Alright, I’ll be honest.

I pigged out on Superbowl Sunday. PIIIGED THE FUCK OUT.

Yeah, baby...

I mean, I made some fantastic low calorie versions of what I’d normally make, but there’s really something wheat thins dipped in Chili Queso that turns me into a crazed junkie. I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. I ate a TON of that stuff.

AND, we had a couple of Turkish gentlemen at our place who stopped by this fantastic Mediterranean restaurant and brought “Turkish Pizza”, as well as some yummy oniony salad thing that you are to put on the pizza to eat.

Well, I couldn’t turn THAT down. My Turkish guest brought it. That would have been Rude! Plus, I was able to totally rationalize with myself as to why I should be able to have 3 full pieces of it. I can’t remember what my argument was, but it was a good one!

In my stand up act, I have a Weight Watchers joke saying, “You know how they say you can still eat all your favorite foods? Yeah, not all at once as it turns out.”

HOO boy did I live that one on Sunday.

So, after I watched the Patriots totally give away that game to the Giants, I waddled off to bed, only to wake up and find that it’s Monday: My weekly weigh in day.

I weighed in alright…I was up 2 lbs. Brilliant!

I went to plug that weight into the Weight Watcher’s weekly weight tracker – and then I thought, you know what? No. Screw you, weigh in page, I’m not giving you what you want! I will not have you stare back at me with the flat line smiley of “nice job, fatass”. No sir.

Monday, it was easy to get back on track, I mean seriously…I’m SERIOUS about this weight loss and health thing. Serious as a heart attack.

Alright, so why did I suggest we go to Mama Mia’s Italian Restaurant that night? Oh, I don’t know…because I’m A MORON? Yes, I’m sure that had something to do with it.

And what makes it WORSE is…when you ‘cheat’ on your healthy eating plan – and the food wasn’t even worth cheating for. It’s times like that when I wish I had a gag reflex, because I’d puke the bad cheat food up so fast…I WOULD! I mean, I cheated and it didn’t even TASTE good…and the ramifications are just as hard as if I had eaten the best meal ever. It’s like cheating on your partner with a horrible lover. The consequences are the same when your sorry ass gets caught…BUT WAS IT WORTH IT? FUCK NO!

So Tuesday morning, I woke up with ‘bad roll in the hay regret’ over my merely so-so Italian Entrée, and promised my body that I would treat it better.

Got through the rest of last week mostly unscathed – had a glass of wine here and there (that’s like flirting, right? Totally harmless if done in moderation), and when I got on the scale this morning, I was 3 lbs down.

WOO!!

Well…if I had weighed in last week, I would have been only 1 lb down. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? A loss is a loss, and I’m owning that mo-fo.

Plus, instead of balloons of forboding and doom, or the evil scales of death, I got:

Gold Star! Like Kindergarten!

Now let me tell you about that. That’s awesome, right?

Well yeah…but I didn’t even start tracking my weight til I was down 30lbs, seeing as I didn’t start weight watchers til after I was sure my arteries were mostly clogged from 2 months being a total carb nazi. So I’m actually way past the 10% of my body weight loss. However, I'm too lazy to do the math to see what % it should be.

But it was still nice to see. Especially since the 10% icon doesn’t come with a shitty slap in the face message to kill my buzz.

Dim Sum

2008-02-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

There are a few things I am incapable of saying no to, including to but not limited to Hugh Jackman dressed as Wolverine, Jack Daniels, and Dim Sum.

Yay

Unfortunately the only one I was faced with today was Dim Sum.

I LOOOVE ME SOME DIM SUM.

And really, what’s not to love? When you go to dim sum, ladies with carts full of Chinese happiness cruise by and you pick and choose what you want to devour.

The problem with this is that they just keep on cruising by, even when you don’t need or necessarily want any more food, and insist that you take more. I'd say suggest or ask, but some of those dim sum ladies seem pretty pissy when you don't want what they have to offer.

So, while at Dim Sum, much like while sleeping on the sidewalk outside Hugh Jackman’s estate, I have to use will power and self control.

This is not a strong suit of mine.

But today, I was able to hold myself back from inhaling the entirety of the food supply at the Great Mall Mayflower Restaurant.

I had 2 or 3 shrimp dumplings:

A pot sticker:

And, one of my favorites, taro root dim sum:

Unfortunately, the taro root, I believe, is deep fried.

I think.

I really don’t know. It doesn’t SEEM deep fried. It’s not greasy.

Ok look at it, yeah, it's deep fried.

It’s definitely not steamed like the other options. I'm strangely ok with this.

I went without another favorite of mine today, shrimp rice noodle:

Mmmm...

Which is probably a good thing seeing as, much like the taro root, when I order it, I’m usually the only one eating it (damn picky lunch partners).

I’ve been going through what the possible fat content and “points” are for different things (been pretty much unable to find jack squat on the taro root things), but I’ve finally decided to suck it up and just accept that I did “OK” and lunch today. Ok I've mostly accepted this, but I'm still going to have a light light dinner tonight.

Oh...shoot. It's gig night.

Ok, a light dinner and a Jack & Diet (Hellooo, Mr. Daniels) at the club. Yay.

So yeah.

All in all, though, dim sum, when eaten in moderation (like most other things), is pretty good and good for you. It really is, especially when you stay away from the deep fried stuff (they do offer a good deal of that, too).

So really, if someone wants to challenge that and tell me that I shouldn’t be eating dim sum, they can pretty much suck it

Unless it’s Hugh Jackman (dressed as Wolverine – very important) saying it, then…well…

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!

2008-02-03T17:28:00.000-08:00

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!!!

Do I care? Well, no, not as much as last year.

Prince > Tom Petty

I sooo enjoyed Prince making sweet love to his phallic guitar during halftime. HOO boy.

Ok, I need a towel. Yes, I know he’s a midget and as big as one of my thighs, but the little ball of sex is HOT, alright? HOT!!!

Yay

ANYHOO….

My normal Super Bowl M.O. is to inhale as many goodies as I can. Yes, sex and food = Super Bowl to me.

And since Asexual Petty is doin his thang (sorry, Tom, I love ya, but no), I’ll have to focus on food that isn’t going to make me look like a balloon in the Macy’s Day Parade.

So with that, I have lightened up a few of my favorites:

BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP

2 chicken breasts, baked and shredded
2 8 oz packages reduced fat Cream Cheese
1 Cup reduced fat Blue Cheese Dressing (I prefer Light House or Marie’s)
1 ½ Cups reduced fat (sense a trend here?) cheddar cheese
¾ Cup Pepper Sauce (FRANKS is the best, in my opinion, but use what ya want)

Simple prep: Mix all ingredients together. Works best when chicken is warm out of the oven, softens the cheeses up for ya.

Serve with baked tortilla chips and celery sticks.

GOOD STUFF!!!!!

ALSO…here’s something with even less prep:

QUESO LIGHT

1 package reduced fat Cream Cheese

½ Cup Hot Salsa

1 Can Veggie Chili (Dennison’s is tasty).

Soften cream cheese, mix all ingredients together.

Serve with baked tortilla chips.

Also fantastically good with wheat thins.

Along with the above mentioned CHEESY GOODNESS, I had a nice platter of fruit, including Gigantic Globe Grapes, Strawberries, and Blackberries.

And Mike’s Light Hard Lemonade, which, if I'm going to drink Hard Lemonade, I prefer because the Light version is less sickly sweet than the regular, helped drown my sorrows while I mourned my asexual halftime experience.

Not Yay.

A pizza made me cry tonight.

2008-01-31T22:48:00.001-08:00

A pizza made me cry tonight.

Did the pizza call me a nasty name? Did it kick my dog? Did it look at me wrong?

Have I lost my mind?

No, none of those. Ok maybe the last one.

So I'm informed by the boyfriend that since it's Thursday, pizza is legal.

Well, that sounded more than reasonable, so I said, "Go ahead and order from Round Table, get whatever you want, and I'll have an personal sized Gourmet Veggie."

I figured, hey, I've been doing so well, and everything in moderation, right? I deserve pizza today, as I've had a tough couple of days - especially yesterday when I went flying off a step that I sorta didn't notice because hi, I'm an uberklutz who wasn't paying attention, and I landed HARD on both of my knees. Which, I gotta say, hurts a whole helluva lot more when you're a grown adult and not ready for it than when you're 6 years old. And it hurts even more the next day when your body realizes that hey, that shit hurt more than just my knees. Ow.

ANYWAY...so the pizza's on it's way, and I've gone to my friend, the internet, to tell me just how many Weight Watcher points it's going to be.

Bastard

HOLY CRAP!!! 630 Calories and 24 grams of fat? (Ourteenfay Ointspay???) WOW. Well....alright, that's fine, that's over my daily allotment, but I've got plenty of my weekly flex points to cover it.

*sigh* Ok, now I'm a little disappointed with myself because, wow....that's kind of a big expenditure for me for dinner. But in spite of my great progress, I just KNOW I've got a plateau looming around the corner, and I am not looking forward to it.

So the pizza man shows up, and I only see one box, which is interesting, because there should be one small box, with my pizza, and one larger box with the pizza I don't care about. Much.

The larger box, which is, in fact the only box, is opened...and half of it is my gourmet veggie.

"What....what is this....?" I squeak out - yes, I squeaked - starting to freak out a little.

Well, he's decided to order just one medium pizza, and half of it's Gourmet Veggie.

I lost it.

Of course, then he's looking at me like...well, like I've lost it.

"I don't...I...I didn't count for this...what is this....I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY POINTS THIS IS!! That looks like A LOT OF PIZZA. "

As he proceeds to grab all but 2 pieces and whisk it away out of my sight, "See? It's not even there, gosh what HAPPENED to it! Huh! Look at that, only 2 pieces there, sorry there's only two pieces!" (He's really quite awesome, in spite of the fact that his girlfriend is a loon).

"I've got food isssuuuuuuuueeeessss." <----pathetic

God he's understanding, as he shuts the refrigerator door after strategically placing the pizza interloper into an out of the way place where I won't see it

"I gotta go find out the points..." and I run to the other room and log back onto the computer.

........Oh.

Huh.

As it turns out....

A slice of Gourmet Veggie from an original crust LARGE pizza are 230 calories and 9 fat grams each.

Huh. That's less than what a personal pizza would be, I realize as my heart rate goes down and I feel a little more stupid, if possible, for flippingthefuckout.

(That's only ourfay ointspay a piece. Huh.)

(And my pieces are from a Medium pizza, not a large...and if I recall, medium is less than large...)

"Hey...Honey...everything's fine..."

.

Fajita Pita Fajita Pita Fajita Pita

2008-01-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

REVIEW:

Went to Chili's tonight and, after finding the "Guiltless Grill" section of Chili's menu dull and lame - I decided to venture out to the rest of the menu to see if I could find something that wasn't deathladen.

I settled on the Chicken Fajita Pita. It seemed pretty innocuous. I triple checked the ingredients, got a little assistance via cell phone for the nutrition content, and found that it was 450 calories with 17 grams of fat. Fat seemed high to me, but I decided I could live with that, plus it came out to "en-tay oints-pay"on the Weight Watchers scale. Awesome, I still had 15 left for the day.

Wait...what's that listed in the ingredients? "Special Sauce" ?

So I asked Vapid Veronica (I think that was my waitress's name) what the "Special Sauce" was.

"Huh?" she replied with a charming vacant stare.

I asked again, and she said, "Um...<20>...I think it's some kind of fajita sauce."

"Brilliant, thanks, can I get that on the side?"

So my Chicken Fajita Pita shows up (and I ordered a garden salad with light balsamic vinaigrette in place of the fries that normally goes with it), and it looks delightful - and it's in a fancy little metal rack thing as to keep it all taco shaped...you know like fajitas are prone to being (wtf?).

The "Special Sauce" turned out to be some sort of mayonnaisey crap (oh hi, fat content...found you!!) with 'authentic Mexican flavoring" that I thought best left cast aside and, in it's place, I embraced a cup of salsa.

And the verdict: The Chicken Fajita Pita is QUITE fantastic for 'generic Chili's/Bennigans/Red Robin type fare. It was filling and pretty darn nutritionally harmless for you - PLUS...my original calculations of en-tay oints-pay was a little overzealous as the nutrition facts had originally INCLUDED the death sauce. Oh, and it was pretty cheap, too: A smooth $7.99.

So yeah. WIN.

Balloons ain't got nothing on this...

2008-01-28T08:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I woke up this morning - after a series of crazy-ass dreams involving finding my ex-little-brother-in-law and his girlfriend in the bed I was supposed to be sleeping in, along with being yelled at over the phone by some woman from a pizza place in Modesto for not wanting to buy into a franchise - to the song "Soldier Boy" by the Shirelles, which can only mean that I bumped my radio tuner when I was dusting yesterday, because that's the last shit I want to wake up to, with the exception of maybe fusion jazz.

Yes, I know that first paragraph was one long run-on sentence. I've made peace with that.

Anyway, YAY, I stepped on the scale for my weekly weigh in, and I'm down 3.8 lbs since LAST Monday. WHOOPEEEE!!!!

Wait...

Uh oh...something I haven't seen before:

SCALES OF FOREBODING AND GLOOM

The scales are a lot like the balloons, but way ruder.

They start out with a peppy WAY TO GO!!!! But then they tell me that I'm going to suffer a fate worse than being flogged by a thousand drunken wookies (paraphrased).

For chrissakes!

Weight watchers, once again your effing icon is a buzz kill.

Soooooooldier booooooy
Oh my little soooooldier booooy
I'll be true to yooouuuuuuuu....

@#$@!!!!make it stop!!!@!#!!@

Banana Pants

2008-01-27T21:38:00.001-08:00

So I was in Subway Sammich shop the other day visiting my local angry sammich artists, and, while waiting for my healthy lunch (a turkey wrap with extra onion and peppercinis..mmm), I saw something pretty amusing.

I had just come in from the pouring down rain (in California, can you belive it? It RAINS here sometimes). I was in there pretty much the lone customer...with the exception of 3 guys.

One was a state trouper. He was dressed normal uniform attire from the waist up, but he had on yellow rubber pants. It looked like he had gotten dressed in the dark. Or while drunk. He was sitting there in his banana colored rubber pants chowin down on a cold cut combo while reading the paper.

At the counter was a gentleman who looked like he might be in construction or something, and he ALSO had on yellow rubber pants - only his were up his chest and held up with red suspenders.

So I was laughing to myself about the rubber pants twins, but who should walk out of the restroom but yet ANOTHER gentleman with yellow rubber pants. The scariest part about this one is he looked pretty much civilian - which means the yellow rubber pants wasn't part of some uniform, but rather he donned the yellow rubber pants on his own free will. ON PURPOSE.

So I looked down at my black slacks and felt SO out of place. And since I'm not one to let something like this go by uncommented on. So I said, "So did you guys all call each other and say, "What are you gonna wear? I'm gonna wear the yellow rubber pants, are you? OMG wear the yellow rubber pants!" I said this with a smile and a giggle - obviously kidding.

*CRICKETS*

Civilian guy grumbled "Yeah right..." as he grabbed his bag of sammiches that he had left on a table and left. Cop looked up from his paper long enough to roll his eyes at me and look back down at his paper. Construction guy just ignored me.

Geez. It's not like I WAS wearing banana yellow rubber pants....

So in honor of the banana pants trio, I will post a Banana Bread recipe that I found when putting the words "Banana Bread Low Fat" into google. It SAID it was wonderful, so I decided to try it out.

I had to reword some of it because whomever originally posted it was an illiterate idiot who also forgot to mention that it took 2 loaf pans, not one. And you know what? It was pretty wonderful.

WONDERFUL LOW-FAT BANANA BREAD

2 1/4 c. flour
1 2/3 c. sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 1/4 tsp. baking powder
1 1/4 tsp. soda
2/3 c. skim milk
1/2 c. plain nonfat yogurt
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1 1/4 tsp. baking powder
2/3 c. egg whites or egg beaters
1 1/4 c. mashed ripe bananas
2/3 c. chopped nuts (Which I didn't add, but knock yourself out)

Heat oven to 350 degrees. Spray 2 loaf pans with cooking spray. Measure all ingredients into large mixer bowl and blend 1/2 minutes on low speed, scraping bowl constantly. Beat 2 minutes on high and pour into the 2 pans. Bake 50 minutes to 1 hour or until wooden pick inserted in center comes out clean. Size: 2 (7 x 3 inch) loaf pans.

I need a new camera...

I don't know the nutrition info on this one yet - I may do the math on it soon.

But if you're doing Weight Watchers, it's a 'few' points (I won't say the exact number so the WW nazis don't come after me with rolling pins...but it's more than 2 and less than 3 the way I slice it).

Stupid Lardy Salmon!!!

2008-01-24T22:55:00.001-08:00

WARNING: I say 'fuck' a lot. Sorry.

I went to Outback tonight for dinner, and I assumed that I was doing a great thing by getting the Atlantic Salmon w/ no butter with veggies, also no butter.

We all know what happens when we assume, right? I mean I know that salmon is higher in fat and all that - and it's got the "good fat", the omega oils, etc...yes, good fat. But even good stuff should be taken in moderation. Like porn. And Xanadu.

So, I get home and plug my Atlantic Salmon - the waitress said, after I asked her halfway through the meal, that the portions for that particular dinner are 9 to 11 oz...ooh, kinda high, huh...it didn't look that big (that's what SHE said...) - into Weight Watchers' little Points Tracker, and 11 oz of Atlantic salmon is 16 motherfucking points!

SIXTEEN!!!

Lardy Fish

To put that in perspective for someone who doesn't really know how the points system works, I have a 27 point per day allotment, and I generally have no more than 10 points in the evening TOTAL. Dinner typically comes out to 6 points give or take, sometimes more, and depending on how I planned my day, that leaves me room for an apple or 3-6 Hershey kisses for a snack afterwards.

And they figure out points by factoring size of portion, calories, fat grams and grams of fiber.

I can assume (there's that word again), by fudging around with the points thingy and info I got off the net, that my salmon was 625 calories and 40 grams of fat.

16 points dipped waaaaay the fuck into my 'bonus' points, which you're actually supposed to use the 35 per week bonus points, but I rarely dip into more than 2 or 3 of them. Sometimes more, but seriously...I've only got a few left for the week now, especially after last night's work banquet wrought with wine, sake, and not so good for you Chinese, which I ate sparingly (gotta save those points for sake and wine, ya know?)

Fuckin A, totally threw me off. And I thought last night was my fuck-up night of the week. And now I totally have to rethink my Saturday plans, which include a trip to a goddamn Italian restaurant with some acquaintances. *bangs head against wall*

I'm feeling quite happy about the extra half hour walk I took with the dog at lunch now.

And I'll also take half that fuckin salmon home with me next time.

Fuckin A.

I apologize for the language....but FUCKIN A.

I'm not anticipating a loss on Monday. Haha.

EDIT: Ok, it's the next morning, and, because I'm psychotic, I jumped on the scale.

I'm down another 2 lbs since Monday.

I'm sure this is some kind of trick. But if I've really lost 2 more lbs after eating the way I did the last 2 nights, well, BRING ON THE EFFING BALLOONS!!!!

Yeah, that's right...effing. I'm less angry than last night.

Balloons and Burgers

2008-01-22T22:55:00.000-08:00

It's been a good week.

I mean, other than the constant obsessing about every single crumb of foodmatter that goes into my mouth, it's been good.

I'm down another 3 lbs from the week before. Now, on Weight Watchers, you are to track your progress (or lack there of) with weekly weigh ins.

If you gain, you get this weird little flat lined not-so-smiley icon. He kind of says, "Ah well...yeah, you didn't lose...have you considered not eating a side of beef and chasing it down with buttermilk?" (paraphrased).

If you lose 2 lbs or less, you get a HAPPY FACE! With messages of 'good for you!' and 'you deserve to continue breathing!' and all that jazz.

If you lose 3lbs or more...you get balloons.

You'd think balloons would be good. They're like balloons of doom, though. They come with a "Hey, good job on the weight loss, BUT...you're going to die of massive heart failure or a slow rectal bleed if you keep this shit up" (also paraphrased).

Seriously, I hate those balloons. The balloons no longer signify the joy the balloons should signify. They give me this hollow sad feeling of dread.

But only for a second. Because you know what? I LIKE balloons. And I don't appreciate you giving me conflicting feelings over what should be joyful and happy. I'M TAKIN BACK BALLOONS, WEIGHT WATCHERS!!! And I ALSO like my 3lb weight loss and don't feel as though I should be made to feel guilty about it. SO THERE!

And with that, let me share with you one of my new favorite concoctions.

I LOVE greek food. I love it more than oxygen or cake. Yeah, even cake, I know, right?

I hate, however, having to worry about hidden bad stuff in greek take out, so I've started finding and modifying recipes on my own - and this is one of the successes, a fine substitute for a Gyro when that's what you're hankering for.

Greek Turkey Burgers

4 Pitas (with pockets for stuffing)
1 lb Ground turkey (grab the 99% fat free if available)
1/2 C Crumbled Feta Cheese
1 Egg
1/4 tsp Salt
1/8 tsp Freshly ground pepper
2 T Greek Seasoning

OR, if you can't find Greek Seasoning,
1/4 C Loosely packed fresh mint leaves and
1 T Oregano

(But, despite the fact that I usually like fresh herbs, I really like the McCormick's Gourmet Selection Greek seasonings better in this recipe...find that)

Tzaziki sauce
6oz low fat plain yogurt
1/3 Cup grated cucumber (drained)
3 Cloves garlic minced
1 tsp Fresh lemon juice (bottled if you must)
1 T Chopped mint leaves
Salt and pepper to taste

4 Cups thinly sliced romaine lettuce
3 Roma Tomatoes, sliced to desired thickness
1/2 Cup or so Sliced Red Onion (I like lots)

Cut off 1/3 piece of each pita - take those pieces and toss in food processor or grate on the fine side of grater to make bread crumbs.

In large mixing bowl, mix crumbs, chicken, feta cheese, egg, greek seasoning (or mint & oregano) salt and pepper until just combined.

Shape turkey mixture into 4 burgers - eyeball your pitas and make sure your burgers will fit in the pockets!

Over medium heat, heat frying pan. Add burgers and cook about 10 minutes or until browned on both sides and cooked through.

While burgers are cooking, mix ingredients to tzaziki sauce in separate bowl..

To serve, fill each pita with lettuce, tomatoes, a burger, and tzaziki sauce to taste.

Each serving:

About 430 calories, 33 grams protein, 38 grams carbohydrates 16 grams total fat (4 g saturated), 4 grams fiber

(Truth be told, I now grab the fat free plain yogurt and don't even taste the difference, but I put low fat in the recipe above and the calories reflect that)

Paranoia Will Destroy Ya...

2008-01-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm sure I'm not alone in being paranoid about what's in food, especially when eating out. It's terrible.

I'm to the point where half the time I order a diet soda, when I get it, I'm not convinced it's diet. I mean they DO occasionally bring regular when I've ordered diet, but now it all tastes regular. I get my drink, and if I'm not convinced, I make whomever I'm with taste it to make sure. If I'm alone, I will send it back saying I'm pretty sure it's regular, not diet...and I'm totally prepared for the spit. I'd rather have the spit than the sugar.

My current paranoia is this:

I get this fantastic sushi roll up the road that I'm really not worried about in it's entirety...it's called a 'sake lover roll'.

On the inside it's salmon with a little avocado. Then it's rolled up in rice and the seaweed wrap, then it's topped with more salmon and little chopped up scallions and fish eggs.

It's super good, but, of course, it's not going to be on the points thingy on Weight Watchers which has become my god. My watchdog. My jailer.

When I order the sake lover roll, I count it as 8 pieces of Sake Nigiri (salmon on hunks of sushi rice).

Then I think...hmmm....I wonder if the Sake Nigiri entry counts the rice? Do the Weight Watchers people know this? That Nigari is supposed to include the rice, that it's the whole thing, not just the fish? Did they know this when they entered the point value?

Well it should count in it's entirety...because Nigiri means that it's fish on the rice. They must know this.

But I still worry.

I order it, I eat it, and feel good about it because really, hi...it's fish, rice, and a little avocado.

But in the back of my mind, when tallying up the points, I am freaking out. Just a little.

And now I believe that I've obsessed to the point of ordering it again, taking it home, and completely deconstructing it to weigh and measure each component. Weigh the fish. Weigh the seaweed. Measure the rice and avocado. Skip the scallions, though, those are free.

Which seems crazy to me. Mostly because IT IS

But I think it's the only way I'm not going to have anxiety when I order it again.

Weee!!!

*searches for her straight jacket

Food = Meth

2008-01-08T15:03:00.000-08:00

Food addiction sucks.

And it is a very real addiction.

Scientists have found that even the display of favorite foods to food deprived subjects, letting them smell and taste the food without actually eating them (I've tried this, it's frustrating) causes a significant elevation in brain dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure and reward. This elevation in dopamine is different from the roll that dopamine plays in the actual act of eating - and is similar to what addicts experience when craving drugs. These studies are going a long way into finding out what makes people overeat.

They have also found that, like drug addicts, food addicts and obese people (not always hand in hand) have fewer dopamine receptors than non-addicts. So Dopamine, a brain chemical associated with addiction to cocaine, alcohol, and other drugs, may also play an important role in obesity.

Fascinating.

So until they find some magic bullet...what does one do?

Obviously "eat less, exercise more, stop being a pig".

But how easy is that when, unlike alcohol, cigarettes, and illegal drugs....YOU CANNOT REMOVE THE TEMPTATION.

You need your vice to survive.

No one would ever ask an alcoholic to have 'a modestly sized shot of Jack Daniels' several times a day to survive.

It's not reasonable to tell a meth user to just have a little bit of meth. Just a little, don't over do it....WHERE'S YOUR SELF CONTROL?

What a frustrating place to be in.

Pardon me while I go shoot up a sensible lunch.